Cannabis Jokes

Cannabis Jokes

Joke (Question) Answer
What do you call a pothead with two spliffs? Double jointed.
How do you know you are a true stoner? When your bong gets washed more than your dishes!
What is a stoners idea of a balanced diet? A joint in each hand!
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
What do you get when you eat marijuana ? A Pot Belly
What do you call a stoner spilling his weed on the floor? Drug Abuse
What does a Mermaid Smoke? SeaWeed
What is the difference between politicians and stoners ? Politicians don't inhale...they just suck.
What do a quarterback and a pothead have in common? They both get blitzed!!!
What cartoon does Mary Jane watch? The Power Puff Puff Pass Girls
Did you hear about the guitar that got baked? It was highly strung.
What did the frog say when he passed the bong to his frog friend? Ripp-IT!!!!!
What do you get when you mix laxatives and weed? Shits and Giggles
Why were the welder and stoner such good friends?  They both love to spark up joints.
What do you call a stoned King? Your Highness.
Why couldn't the life guard rescue the hippy? Because he was too Far out.
If there are two potheads in the back of a car, then who is driving? A Cop
How did the stoner propose to his girlfriend? Mary u wanna?
How do you know when you are stoned? When you are too phoned to stone home.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
Why can’t you inject marijuana? Because you’ll get a budclot!
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?  If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts."
What’s the best part about gardening? Getting down and dirty with your hoes.
Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.
How does a stoner recite Shakespeare? Doobie or not Doobie
What do you call a computer that smokes weed? High tech.
What do you call Harrison Ford when he smokes Han so high
What does marijuana in the Miami Dolphins have in common They both get smokin Bowls
How Long does it take a pound of weed go bad? I don't know I haven't ever had it longer than an hour
Why did the stoner ccross the street? His dealer lived on the other side
How do sharks get high? Reefer
What do you call a guy that brings shrooms to the party? A Fungi
How do you get a one arm hippie out of a tree? Hold out a joint
What did the pharmacy when the cow ate the marijuana? The steaks are high right now
What did the Chinese vocalist do after smoking some marijuana? He Shanghai
What's the number one reason for requesting my medical marijuana card? I need it for my joints
What is one marijuana plant city to the other? Let's be best buds
I have a magic act where I make marijuana and cocaine disappear It's all smoke and mirrors
What do you call place Where marijuana is legal and is alcohol is illegal. High and dry
Waiter. This bread taste like marijuana. It was baked this morning
Obi-Wan Kenobi started a marijuana dispensary on Tatooine. What's it called? The High Ground
Going to open up a donut shop next to a medical marijuana store I’ll call it glazed and confused
Instead of marijuana dispensaries why don't they just call it.. Grass Station
California legalized marijuana I guess they had a high voter turnout.
The officer was blunt about what happens to marijuana smokers He takes them right to the joint.
What do you call a high Reptile A mariguana
What do you call a tea made with Cannabis? Four Twentea.
Heard about the man who was arrested for smoking a bunch of weed and plucking his eyebrows? They charged him with high tweezin’.
What should you do if you are addicted to sea weed? Sea Kelp
Do you know that Cowboys don’t roll joints? They tumble weed.

Why did the mathematician celebrate 4/20 on January 5th?		 Because he knows how to reduce fractions
What can you do if you can’t afford a nice television?
Just smoke a ton of weed and read the dictionary. It is called high definition
Did you hear about the newest cannabis-infused drink? It’s the best way to stay highdrated.
What happened after God legalized weed? Prophets were at an all-time high.
How do you find a pothead in a crowd? You weed them out.
What do you call a janitor that smokes a lot of weed? High maintenance.
What happens if you smoke weed in a Muslim country? Simple, you get stoned twice.
What does stoner Dracula say? I want to smoke your bud
One liners
God is perfect. Man is not. Man made liquor. God made pot.
Call me Spiderman, because I'm in love with Mary Jane.
Are you a Flower, because I marijuana take you home with me tonight.
If smoking marijuana causes memory loss, what does smoking marijuana do?
UNDER the influence, but ABOVE the ignorance.
I told my doctor I was having problems with my joints, he told me to roll them tighter.
I used to smoke weed….I still do, but I also used to.
Making plans with a stoner is like being with a prostitute. They tell you they’re coming, but you know it’s a lie.
Sorry for my bluntness, that’s just how I roll.
you can't spell Healthcare without THC
I just bought some shoes from a drug dealer, I don't know what they were laced with but I've been tripping all day.
My neighbor just got arrested for growing marijuana.
I guess my property line wasn't where I thought it was!
A stoner called the fire department and said, “Come quick my house is on fire!” The Fireman who responded asked “How do we get there?” The stoner says “DUH, in a big red truck!”
An old man walks up to a couple of potheads smoking a joint, and says,

“Don’t you know that smoking weed makes you ignorant and apathetic?”

One of the potheads turns to him and replies, “I don’t know, and I don’t care.”
Yo’ Mama is like marijuana — everyone does her, but no one admits it.
The More I light My lighter the lighter my lighter gets until it is too light to light
The other day my friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap. I guess he was high on my list of priorities.
Making plans with a stoner is like being with a prostitute. They tell you they’re coming, but you know it’s a lie.
You can go to jail for weed Stoner: Jail sells weed?
Are you a drug cause I'm marijuana take you home tonight
I'm not addicted to weed, but I smoke it like I am
Marijuana doesn't ruin your career drug test do
Yo mama like a weed from Mexico, cheap and full of seed.

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